On a typical Monday evening, Alex goes to bed with hugs and kisses from two loving parents. After Alex is taken to school the next day, one parent moves out because the couple agrees they can’t live together anymore. Tuesday evening after school, Alex gets home and only sees one of his two loving parents. Alex does homework, is served dinner and is put to bed. Alex is told at that point that one parent will eventually “visit” – in a few days, or maybe a week, but for only a few hours at a time. That parent will not live in that home with Alex anymore. That will be the extent of the relationship with Alex’s other parent for the foreseeable future. Alex was with both parents one night and is denied the ability to see one of them the next.
Did Alex’s need for the love and care of both parents change overnight? If Alex can’t continue to live with both parents, why not make the best of an already traumatic situation and keep both of them in Alex’s life to the fullest extent possible rather than have one sidelined.
In New York, we are told that family court judges are supposed to rule “in the best interest of the child.” If we’re not ruling that way, how are we acting in their best interests?
Parents automatically have joint legal and physical custody simply by being parents and living together. They keep that basic right until someone attempts to have it removed through the process of a custody hearing; in other words, people don’t go to court to get custody – you already have it. Parents go to court to avoid having it taken away.
Since my work is in the evenings, I cared for my young kids during the day. My ex took over the parenting duties when I went to work at night while we were married. Very little changed after we separated because I fought to convince my ex and the family court that we should share our children equally – just as we always did. I saw no need to change the arrangement that worked so well – and that’s how it still is to this day. Unfortunately, it came at a steep emotional and financial cost. – both to us as parents, as well as our two children due to the madness of the court system here in New York. In the end, we had what we started out with – shared parenting.
It was in the best interest of our children to have BOTH of us in their lives
National Parents Organization (NPO) recently released its 2019 Shared Parenting Report Card. This report provides a comprehensive ranking of states based on their child custody statutes. NPO grades the states on the degree to which they promote shared parenting after divorce or separation – as opposed to sole custody.
New York and Rhode Island were the only states to get an F. New York has no explicit statutory recognition of shared parenting, joint legal custody, shared residential custody or similar concepts. States receiving a grade of A encourage shared residential custody and also create a presumption of equal parenting with those who are living separately.
Shared parenting establishes a presumption of joint-custody when parents separate. A shared parenting law would not make joint-custody mandatory, especially in instances where one spouse is found guilty of domestic violence or abuse. Shared parenting merely establishes joint-custody as the default starting point for divorcing parents. Judges should absolutely be able to rule otherwise when one parent is demonstratively unfit and must show with clear and convincing evidence. Those judges should also be held accountable for that decision.
Bottom line? When both parents are fit, where there is no abuse or neglect, shared parenting should be a default in our state – rebuttable with clear and convincing evidence.
More than 20 states have recently considered laws to promote shared custody of children after divorce or separation. Let’s help bring New York State into the 21st century and do what’s right for our children. New York Senator Kevin Parker (D,WF) of the 21st Senate District has sponsored a shared parenting law (S4260) that establishes the presumption in matrimonial proceedings of awarding shared parenting of minor children.
By passing this bill, it would mean an update in New York State family law. As a result, neither loving, supportive parent should be afraid of losing significant contact with their children simply because they no longer wish to live together.
When people divorce or separate, it doesn’t end the family, it just rearranges it.
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Clayton Craddock is and independent thinker, father of two beautiful children in New York City and is the drummer of the hit broadway musical Aint Too Proud.
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