When people ask me how can I be divorced with two children and pay no child support, I tell them I took a cue from Nancy Reagan; I “just said no.”

I took the road less traveled.

For the past twenty years, I’ve been fortunate to be a full-time musician. Since our daughter’s birth in 2003, I was at home with her during the day and working at night. Three years before my marriage ended, my wife and I agreed to switch roles. To make this arrangement work, I was overly ambitious and found a way to work a day job, teach, perform in an Off-Broadway show, and play drums at weddings and corporate events. I paid all the bills while she took care of our daughter.

After two years of trying to fit back into the corporate world, I noticed a lack of communication between my wife and me. My focus was on our family; her attention appeared to be on the social calendar. My frustration with what seemed to be a lop-sided allocation of duties in our homemade for several stress-filled months. Not only was I the sole breadwinner, but I also took care of many of the responsibilities at home. The birth of our second child only intensified the tension.

Working a full-time job, playing several gigs, and doing much of the housework burnt me out, so I quit my corporate job. Meanwhile, my wife was unwilling to continue the therapy sessions we’d set up to find a way to repair our marriage. She hired an attorney and filed for divorce.

Our custody battle began in Family Court. During our first hearing, I received a court order for spousal support, which stated I must continue paying all of our bills until our case went to the Supreme Court. On top of paying the household expenses, I had to pay my ex an additional $500 cash each month. I was furious. I questioned why I was responsible for everything financially, and my wife was only accountable for childcare.

Soon after filing, my wife began using the children as pawns. She filled the kid’s schedule with play dates, and after one of our many heated arguments, she took the kids to her mother’s home in another state for two weeks so I could not see them. In addition to the attempts at alienating me from our children, my wife called the police after several arguments in futile attempts to have me vacate the marital residence and be thrown in jail. Luckily for me, she was unable to use the silver bullet effectively. When a parent lies to law enforcement during a domestic dispute while a custody battle is at its peak, it practically guarantees child custody and optimal parenting time. The accuser rarely, if ever, needs evidence to support the claim.

A typical contentious divorce with children often starts with one parent falsely vilifying the other. A new case may include false claims of child abuse, and they may even proclaim it will be repeated. Depending on the county and jurisdiction, it might only take an affidavit of a couple of pages. No evidence or corroborating witnesses are needed, and the concept of due process is not applicable.

More often than not, police will arrive and haul the targeted parent out of the marital home with protective orders. When these incidents occur, there is scant access to immediate legal recourse. What he says in their defense is rarely of any significance. From this point forward, the accused is unlikely to see their children again for days, weeks, months, and sometimes years. This almost happened to me.

My ex-wife called the authorities to our small apartment eight times in the first few months of our divorce. The calls to the police stemmed from arguments we were always having at the time. After the first few of these visits with law enforcement, I understood what was going on. I realized she was trying to get me thrown out of the apartment. It dawned on me that I had just as much of a right to call the police on her as well. Officers who stopped by our home realized there was no need to take anyone to jail. We were never violent towards one another or the children. What we had were intense and heated arguments.

I’ll never forget how dismissive one NYPD officer was during one of the first few visits. As my ex was allowed to take our daughter and son out of the house and away from our home, the policeman said it was allowed because, “Well, she’s the mom.”

I began to call the police on her during the same episodes she attempted to have my liberty taken from me. I wasn’t allowing that or my time with our kids to be stolen without a fight. I realized that in some court battles, fighting fire with fire is a useful tactic.

When our case was transferred to New York State Supreme Court, things began to change. A few months into our dispute, I received an unlikely source of inspiration. My family had given me a father’s day gift certificate to a men’s spa. Here is where I received life-changing advice from a female staff member who’d gone through a divorce several years before. She and her former spouse had mutually agreed that the father should raise their son. She informed me that couples had the option to “opt-out” of paying child support upon dissolution of a marriage in New York State. I immediately called my attorney and told him I wanted to do just that: opt-out.

I must acknowledge one piece of the puzzle that gave me a slight advantage. In 2008, New York was the last state who hadn’t adopted no-fault laws. I had leverage no one can use in court today. My ex-wife, at that time, would have to prove I constructively abandoned the marriage. Constructive abandonment is one example of abandonment where a spouse has refused to engage in sexual relations for at least one year. That wasn’t going to be easy for her to prove. It was laughable.

In October of 2010, New York became the last of the 50 states to enact legislation allowing for no-fault divorce. The Legislature did not repeal the existing grounds, but instead added a no-fault ground for divorce. Spouses can now end their marriage without citing specific grounds or admitting to any instances of wrongdoing, or have to wait for the one-year separation period.

Everyone is at the mercy of their spouse due to no-fault laws. Most people have no idea that your spouse can file for divorce for any reason and not prove why they want out of the marriage. In a no-fault divorce, a spouse need only testify that the marriage has been “irretrievably broken.” The statute describing the new “no-fault” ground for divorce now permits anyone to allege in their divorce complaint that “The relationship between husband and wife has broken down irretrievably for a period of at least six months.” This provision means couples no longer have to endure court battles over who is to blame when a marriage is broken. The option for no-fault divorces makes it easier for couples to reach an amicable resolution without looking for blame.

This is a real disadvantage for the monied spouse in my state because a custodial parent can gain an advantage with the state child support guidelines. The spouse who makes more money is often ordered to pay the non-custodial parent.

At the time, my attorney and I decided to contest my ex’s grounds for divorce. We were willing to compel her to tell the truth under oath. My ex would have perjured herself in court since there were several inconsistencies in her sworn deposition. Her attorney decided it would be unwise for her to proceed in that manner. This was the turning point that forced a settlement.

After 11 months in and out of court, we agreed that my parenting time would take place during the day, hers at night and that no one would pay child support. I refused to pay her, especially after what had occurred in the previous ten months. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Why should I pay my ex when we would be sharing the children equally? 

I walked out of the courtroom secure in the knowledge that I could financially support our two children in a way that made much more sense to me. I did not succumb to the societal pressure to pay an ex-wife, child, or spousal support because men have historically done so.

I’m not sure many fathers have the testicular fortitude to endure the pain it takes to achieve this goal today. Particularly since the avenue I pursued is now closed off to fathers in the family court’s crusade against fatherhood. I certainly thought of giving up but never did. I was also determined to get the court to understand the seriousness of my desire to be a fully committed parent, and I was willing to go through the financial expense of seeing it through.

During my custody battle, I understood how the court system worked and how the law applied in my particular case. I persevered by demonstrating that I was rational, reasonable, and always focused on my children’s best interest. Instead of relying solely on historical precedent, I saw the bigger picture and thought long term.

I used several tactics to my advantage. I never left or was forced out of our marital residence; I managed to avoid physical altercations by keeping my emotions in check as much as possible. I avoided being taken to jail by the NYPD by calmly explaining my side of the story, and kept my focus by remaining devoted to my two children. I always took the high road and never talked badly about my ex to our children, no matter how tempting. I still don’t. She is the mother of our kids. They love her just as much as they love me.

I know all too well the stories of fathers who get taken advantage of by unscrupulous attorneys who don’t offer alternatives and other potential options their clients can pursue. Child support should be ordered only when a spouse chooses to abdicate the responsibilities of raising their children. There is no excuse for a parent to abandon their offspring. 

In my subsequent research, I have discovered that many fathers do not want to leave their kids. Many times they are forced out. Mandatory arrests laws that were written to protect mothers have often been abused and often used to force fathers from their homes straight into jail. Punitive child support orders and the threat of imprisonment if it isn’t paid consistently have been a few of the reasons for the increase of widespread fatherlessness over the past 50 years.

The threat of divorce, child support orders, or jail shouldn’t stop a devoted father from having a healthy relationship with his children. No one should have the right to deny that vital relationship unless there are serious criminal matters, and there is due process.

Today, many mothers intentionally abuse a system set up in the 1950′s and 1960′s to assist with the necessary expenses of child-rearing for children. Now that women have joined the workforce in unprecedented numbers, and birth control frees them from the constraints they were otherwise under, it makes little sense to keep men stuck in an era that has long passed. If times have progressed for women, why are men forced to stay in the past?

I have seen many cases where spousal and child support is automatically assumed to be part of a divorce, even though it may be unwarranted. Most attorneys don’t even discuss potential options for their clients, like opting out. I truly feel that men who desire to be a part of their children’s lives need not pay their future ex-wife at all.

More often than not, my ex-wife and I peacefully co-exist without a state-ordered child or spousal support order. I must emphasize this particular point: if anyone chooses the road I took, it requires a lifelong commitment of taking care of your children – something that, unfortunately, most men today are not even allowed to do.

I feel each child custody cases’ default option should be joint legal and physical custody, with no court-ordered child support, absent a compelling reason. The default should be a 50/50 split of parenting time. If that can’t happen, and money needs to be transferred, the person receiving the funds must be held accountable for how the money is spent. As it stands now, there is no way to account for how child support funds are used.

The more often we keep the filthy claws of state and federal government out of our lives, the better. Once they get in, they never let go. The formation of the family court system, the state and federal offices of child support enforcement, and all of the affiliated positions associated with it have created a massive state-controlled Industry whose sole function is to affect the enormous transfer of wealth from fathers to mothers.

The increase in state intrusion in our personal lives, coupled with the culture of entitlement and unreasonable expectations currently embedded in our public consciousness, creates a system that feeds upon itself. It appears that this former government safety net has turned into a spider web. Eventually, it will bleed fathers dry, and the real victims are children.

There is no evidence indicating fathers are incapable of parenting as well as mothers. Fathers are biologically tied to their kids via the same hormones as mothers. The notion that mothers can’t – and shouldn’t be asked to – support themselves after a divorce violates the most basic concepts of gender equality. Overwhelmingly, fathers aren’t equal parents because they’re acquiescing to mothers’ wishes. We have been told that mothers are the primary parent, and fathers the secondary, for far too long. 

Our culture is due for a drastic paradigm shift. It’s time to stop seeing one parent as the default and the other as just a visitor. These assumptions are often sexist and outdated. If the parents can no longer live together, the next best thing is to have equal time with each parent.

Family courts usually pick one parent to “win custody.” However, in the long run, the children are the biggest losers. When one side of their family suddenly is cut off, children have a strained relationship with not only the non-custodial parent but the extended family as well. For example, they may rarely see their aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents. Extended family relationships are often a vital support system.

Child-custody cases can last for weeks, months, or years. During this time, children are frequently denied both parents’ best while a judgment is determined. Setting a rebuttable presumption of equally shared parenting for temporary orders, with room for exceptions if one parent is demonstrably unfit, will shift the starting point to what’s best for children. It will also free a judge’s time to review and consider more challenging matters.

Children fare better when they don’t lose one parent to divorce. With a shared parenting presumption in divorce proceedings, neither parent is forced to work long hours at work and also bear the complete burden of child care at night.  With shared parenting, children of divorce will also manifest fewer dysfunctional behaviors that demand resources like prisons, drug, and alcohol intervention programs. 

When parents equally share responsibilities and financial obligations, it’s a win-win for all involved. Parents can have more time to focus on their careers, care for one of their own parents, be more physically, financially, and mentally fit. There is also room to possibly start new relationships.

When two loving parents want to be actively involved in their children’s lives after divorce, there is no need to travel down the expected family court path – mandatory child and spousal support. You can opt-out just like I did. It does take time, money, strategy, the right circumstances, and perseverance.

Most divorces are settled. That means anything and everything is negotiable, even child support. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. I am living proof that there is another way. 

Just because mom and dad no longer love each other, the children probably do. Thirteen years later, my kids are doing very well. They have both of their parents in their lives regularly. While it isn’t in the same home, they have the same amount of love. 

When people divorce or separate, it doesn’t end the family; it just rearranges it.

 

Clayton Craddock is an independent thinker, father of two beautiful children in New York City. He is the drummer of the hit broadway musical Ain’t Too Proud. He earned a Bachelor of Business Administration from Howard University’s School of Business and is a 28 year veteran of the fast-paced New York City music scene. He has played drums in several hit broadway and off-broadway musicals, including “Tick, tick…BOOM!, Altar Boyz, Memphis The Musical, and Lady Day At Emerson’s Bar and Grill. Also, Clayton has worked on: Footloose, Motown, The Color Purple, Rent, Little Shop of Horrors, Evita, Cats, and Avenue Q.

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