Why must kids miss out on certain family relationships when parents divorce or separate? It’s cruel to have children, who on one day have both parents in their lives on a regular basis suddenly lose access to everything they knew, then relegate the other parent to become a visitor. There are several reasons for this travesty. Biased and unfair court systems, as well as unstable, angry parents are a few of the primary contributors towards the alienation of a non-custodial parent from the lives of their children. 

I feel our culture is due for a drastic paradigm shift. It’s time to stop seeing one as the default and better parent, and the other as a visitor. These assumptions are often sexist and clearly outdated.

Family courts often still pick one parent  to “win custody” and the other to lose. In the long run, the children are the biggest losers. When one side of their family suddenly is cut off, children have a strained relationship with not only the non-custodial parent, but the extended family as well. They may rarely see their aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. Those family relationships are not only important from a historical point of view but they are often a vital support system. 

Social scientists have concluded that barring the verified presence of abuse, children are better off when both parents play a meaningful role in their lives. This is best achieved through equitable custody and parenting time.

Shared parenting is generally defined as equal decision making and equal parenting time. Shared parenting arrangements after divorce or separation are desired by children, make them happier, improve their school performance and decrease delinquency. Shared parenting also gives both parents the chance to work, relax, start new businesses, have time to form newer, healthy romantic relationship and actively participate in their children’s lives. 

In 2018, Kentucky became the first state to make shared parenting the basis for parents during a divorce or separation. That means that when you divorce or separate in Kentucky, time with the kids is equally split in half — and the onus is on one parent to argue the other should have less time. Kentucky statutes declare that “there shall be a presumption, rebuttable by a preponderance of evidence, that joint custody and equally shared parenting time is in the best interest of the child.”

More than 20 states have recently considered laws to promote shared custody of children after divorce. Let’s help bring each state into the 21st century and do what’s right for our kids. An update in matrimonial law would mean neither parent is afraid of losing significant contact with their children simply because they no longer wish to live together. 

When people divorce or separate, it doesn’t end the family, it just rearranges it.