I am in a unique position. I share my children equally with my ex-wife.
We have a joint legal and physical custody arrangement – also known as shared parenting. We’ve been successfully co-parenting our two children since we finalized our divorce settlement in 2008. When our children were younger, we strictly adhered to this parenting plan with exceptions for special events or when I traveled outside of NYC for my job. However, now that both our kids are teenagers, we’ve often altered the parenting plan informally to allow for school activities, sleepovers with friends and the ever-changing needs of two strong, intelligent, funny, creative city kids.
This week, everything changed. As with so many parents, we needed to adapt with the Coronavirus outbreak, the closing of the New York City school system and the subsequent “stay-at-home” order from Governor Andrew Cuomo. My work as a Broadway musician went dark on March 12, which meant I am home both day and night. With the directive stating that all nonessential business across the state will be closed, my ex-wife will be working from home until further notice.
This raises an interesting conundrum. Since we are both home during the day, what happens with our parenting plan? I wanted to spend time with our kids during the “stay-at-home” order, but I was positive my ex-wife wanted to see our kids as well. There’s no doubt our children want to be with both of us during this time. From the onset of our divorce, we’ve always been fully engaged parents.
After thinking it through, I felt it would be unwise during this unprecedented time to continue the schedule we set up 12 years ago. That plan includes the children traveling back and forth between us most days due to school demands. With more fluidity in all of our schedules for the next month, this allows for more flexibility in our parenting agreement.
I sent my ex-wife a text to preempt the situation.
Hey, I was just thinking…
What do you think about creating a schedule for the foreseeable future —while the kids are in school at home, and we aren’t going to work— shifting our schedule so we have the kids pretty evenly. Maybe they could be with me Monday morning through Thursday morning after breakfast. They could be with you Thursday after breakfast through Monday morning. A lot less back and forth.
I figured my request was quite reasonable; a thoughtful question and offer. Apparently not.
She replied: “They can also just stay here.”
I’m now thinking, did she intend on keeping the kids for a month and not telling me about her decision?
Here’s how the rest of the exchange played out:
Me: They could also be with me all week during the day as usual
Ex-wife: “I am concerned about back and forth.”
Me: If you aren’t interested in the arrangement I suggested earlier, I’ll get the kids at 7:15AM as usual and bring them to you Tuesday at 6PM-and we will continue the agreement we’ve had since 2008.
Ex-wife: “It really isn’t about all of that. You changed the rules way back when and for so long. We are not visiting people and we are staying away from people. It’s really simple. This situation is not a joke.”
Me: It is simple
Ex-wife: “This is all so stressful. Please don’t threaten me.”
Me: And it isn’t a joke. I’m not threatening at all.
At this point, I began to get frustrated. My offer had absolutely nothing to do with any shifts or adjustments we made in the past. The text I sent was all about the best way to keep our kids safe and supported by both of us during these next few weeks. I also resented the idea of the use of the word “threaten.” Since when is a request to share our children equally a “threat?” How is making life easier for all of us “threatening?”
I thought, “How could such a simple request turn so sour?” I’m used to these back and forth – often contentious exchanges, but there comes a point when a decision has to be made.
As I said in the beginning, I am in a unique position. I already have parenting time with our kids during the day—that is the arrangement. According to our settlement, my parenting time is 7:15am- 6:00 pm Monday through Thursday and until 3:15 on Friday. With the new “stay-at-home” directive, I didn’t have to ask if she wanted to spend more time with the kids. I could’ve kept the same schedule, with our kids going back and forth each day.
I thought there would be less outside exposure and more quality time with each of us if I picked up our kids in my car on Monday and brought them to her on Thursday morning. She would have more time to herself to work, and she would ultimately have more time with the kids in the long run. It is a win-win for her! Apparently, she didn’t see it that way.
I wanted to get to a resolution and decided to end the back-and-forth.
Me: Either we share equally during the week like I suggested, or they keep going back and forth. We share our children. They aren’t staying with you for the entire week or month. That’s not happening.
A little while later, she texted me back.
Ex-wife: “Jack assing back and forth is too much with computers. They start school at 10AM. And, I have to start work. So, you will pick them up at 7:30? Then bring them home Thursday at 9am ?
Me: I can get them at 7:30, 8 or 8:30AM. Whatever works. Letting them sleep in a little won’t hurt. And, bringing them to you at Thursday at 9AM is a great idea. I think it will be best to not go back and forth every day. The more consistency they can have at this moment, the better.
Ex-wife: 7:30 works fine.
This was an unnecessary aggravation – landing at the same solution I first recommended.
What changed over the past week with any of these relationships given the considerations regarding the coronavirus? Nothing. So why would there be a thought to drastically alter parenting time to cut out either parent from our children’s lives? In fact, I have always found it rather cruel for children, who love and want to be with both parents, to suddenly lose access to everything they once knew when their parents no longer want to live together. Does any child’s love and need for both parents suddenly end when parents decide to separate?
As we were considering our divorce, I often wondered why our culture still maintains the belief that fathers are the second sex with child rearing. It never made sense to me. I refused to get tossed aside like so many other fathers I knew who were divorced. I certainly was not going to stop raising our children during this coronavirus outbreak.
Flexibility, compromise, teamwork=shared parenting!
In 2020 and beyond, we should look to what is best for our children in the long term. I have always had this mindset and after 12 years of shared parenting, it has been a proven success with my children.
If you are co-parenting with an ex during these trying times, do what’s right for your children, share them with your ex. It’s best for them and will even give you time to yourself. You’ll need some quiet time after a while.
Shared parenting works.
Clayton Craddock is an independent thinker, father of two beautiful children in New York City. He is the drummer of the hit broadway musical Ain’t Too Proud. He earned a Bachelor of Business Administration from Howard University’s School of Business and is a 25 year veteran of the fast paced New York City music scene. He has played drums in a number of hit Broadway musicals including “Tick, tick…BOOM!,Altar Boyz, Memphis The Musical and Lady Day At Emerson’s Bar and Grill. In addition, Clayton has worked on: Footloose, Motown, The Color Purple, Rent, Little Shop of Horrors, Evita, Cats, and Avenue Q.
Clayton is the chair of the New York chapter of the National Parents Organization and is focused on promoting shared parenting, where both parents have equal standing raising children after a separation or divorce. He is writing a memoir and writes for various local and national publications.
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