No more minivans for me.

When renting a vehicle from a rental car company, I discovered that the best way to do it is to rent the cheapest vehicle you can find initially. Most companies often give you a bigger, better car at no extra cost. You should ask for an upgrade when you get to the rental counter or the lot.

I secured a compact car rate from Hertz to travel around Maui but was offered a minivan instead. I wasn’t interested in driving around the island in such an unsexy, suburban ‘soccer dad’ vehicle, but I was eager to get on the road to see some sights and didn’t have to wait in a long line if I took it and left. So I did.

I drove north, had breakfast, and thought I’d drive around the north side of Maui and return by going all the way around and back through the middle of the two mountains. On my journey, I saw a fruit stand with a sign that said ‘BANANA BREAD.’ I pulled over and got a loaf and a fresh coconut from the man who owned the stand.

As I approached the man selling freshly sliced coconuts and moist banana bread, I saw him look at me intently. He said, “Man…you know what we need here on the island? Some good SOUL FOOD!”

Somewhat shocked, I replied, “Bro, I didn’t travel across the world to Maui to eat what I can easily get back east.” He continued, “Yeah, but we need some good southern food.” “Collard greens, that good moist cornbread, not that dry stuff, you know…some good crispy fried chicken and mac and cheese!” “You know what I’m saying?”

He seemed to miss some down-home, Deep South cooking. I get it. It’s mighty tasty, but I’m looking for fresh fish in Hawaii for the next few weeks, not smothered pork chops. I asked the Coconut Man if I could buy a loaf of the banana bread he was selling and if he could slice me up a fresh coconut. I was a bit thirsty and could use some of that delicious water directly from the source.

He began cutting up the coconut, and I was on my way to continue my trek.

 

 

I put the opened coconut in between the massive minivan seats. After 15 more minutes of driving through increasingly narrow roads, I got really nervous. I saw a cross on the outer bank of the road at one of the many cliffs I was edging closer and closer to. It had someone’s name on it and a date of 2021. I started to think that maybe this road isn’t so safe and sure isn’t the right road for my big ass minivan.

The road changed from two lanes to about 1 1/2, then almost to what seemed like a one-lane road. I saw several vehicles coming down a cliff I was about to travel up, but thanks to a traveler who had seen the troubles I was about to experience, I was warned to stop and immediately turn around.

A lady and her family started to wave their hands frantically as I passed them by. I stopped and rolled down my window. The woman who was driving said in a heavy Asian accent, “Your car is too big!! The road is too narrow! You may fall off the cliff!!”

I put two and two together, did a K turn, and returned to where I came from.

It felt a little like this when I was turning around.

 

My palms were sweaty, my heart was racing, and I couldn’t wait to get back to more solid ground.

As I was driving back to safety, I noticed something weird with that delicious coconut. I looked down and saw dozens of ants crawling all over it. They were also on the sections between the seats and about to inch their way onto the driver’s seat. Not only did I have an ant-riddled coconut in my unsexy minivan, but I was still shaken by the fact I had almost died. I really didn’t want another cross with my name on the road, so I was as careful as I could be, knowing that I was about to have ants in my pants at any moment. I assume the ant colony hitched a ride like it was 1970 from the coconut man’s shop. I realize he picked up the nut right off the ground where the other coconuts were located.

I finally got back to where I found a place to pull over on the shoulder of the road. I threw the coconut out of the door and had to try and figure out how to stop the ants from crawling over me. I went to a drug store and got some wipes because a can of Raid in Hawaii is like $75, or so it seemed. Things are a bit pricey on these islands.

I cleaned the vehicle up, got rid of the ants, and took the least cool car on earth back to where I was staying and called it a night. When I returned to my hotel, I looked up the name of the road I was traveling on. It is called the Kahekili Highway. It’s one of the most dangerous roads in Maui and is also considered one of the most dangerous roads in the country. Also known as State Highway 340, drivers navigate rocks to one side and steep cliffs on the other for about 20 miles between Kapalua and Wailuku.

I’m never going back there again. Even with a compact car.

Since this incident, convertibles have been the only car I’ve been driving in Hawaii – A much sexier car.